Introducing the Cottonelle Card!

a roll of toilet paper with labels
“Don’t swipe… wipe!”

Today, April 1, FirstCayman Internet Bank has announced an incredibly exciting product that even outdoes its once popular Us Card.  Introducing the Cottonelle Card!

Unlike any other card on the market, each Cottonelle Card is really a roll of single-use credit cards.  Each card is as soft as you would expect from a Cottonelle product, but it is two-ply tough and loaded with contactless chip technology.  When it’s time to pay, simply tear off a single card from your roll and wipe the payment terminal.  Once you have confirmation that the payment has gone through, you can dispose of the card.  It’s even safe to flush!

a white circle with purple text and numbers

Cottonelle asserts that their card is 3 times more absorbent, 3 times stronger, and 3 times thicker than their competition.   More importantly, they assert that, unlike competing credit cards, the Cottonelle Card won’t irritate your butt.

Pricing for the credit card rolls has not yet been announced.  Similarly, we don’t yet know much about the card’s rewards program other than that the card will earn “2-Ply Rewards” with each use.

Strangely, we’ve been told that the Cottonelle Card will be available only on the first day of the second quarter of each year (AKA April 1).

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[…] Introducing the Cottonelle Card! (2019) […]


Well at least the Cottonelle cards feature 3X on three categories versus the apple card which only features
3%(X) on one category.


You really need to get me involved if you want something believable.


Come on Greg, you should’ve gotten us with a more realistic one! Like an article that Marriott was revamping the Bonvoy program for the better!

Alex Z.

Thomas CRAPPER ?!


How !funny. Just like your recent post detailing all the ways to MS your way to easy riches. Thanx guys. Thanx for nothing.


Any idea how chase will count this towards 5/24? If its per roll idk if it’ll be worth it but if i can pick up a 48 pack of double rolls and stay under it might be


People on FT will be tearing up their rewards and sh*tting all over this card as soon as they find out about the devaluations.


Already flushed mine down.

John F Murano

April fools!


Does it have lounge access to Cottonelle Club?

Jonathan S

Yes, it also allows the primary roll holder to bring one guest (plus all dependents under 18) into the lounge. The reviews of the lounge have been mixed as it is just a bunch of stalls, urinals, and sinks. No showers. They do have mints on your way out.